Boundaries are a tricky subject! They’re tough, they’re necessary, they’re confusing sometimes, and yet, practicing healthy boundaries is essential to maintain our mental health. But what are boundaries, how do you set them, and what makes this so challenging? In this article, we’ll look at defining boundaries, learn about “survival mode”, and strategies to set boundaries for trauma recovery. Let’s take a look at what all the fuss is about.
You have probably come across the term “boundaries” before this point, as it’s been a part of pop psychology for many years. Boundaries are different forms of limits or strategies people use to keep a safe distance or relation to people, places, and things to live a balanced life. People who have experience with addiction and recovery are often talking about how to set boundaries with the people, places, and things related to the addiction. For example, a person with an addiction to alcohol can use healthy boundaries to avoid using their substance, stay away from places that trigger their behavior (like bars or liquor stores), or create new relationships with family and friends who used to drink alcohol together. This might seem simple, but creating AND keeping these limits in real life is very hard work. Many people who care about someone with an addiction also use their healthy boundaries to reduce the harmful effects of the addicted person’s behavior. Setting limits isn’t just limited to addiction; it can also be applied in chaotic family dynamics, creating work-life balance, managing untreated mental health conditions, and generally for personal growth. Sometimes, boundaries need to be set with people we wish we could trust, or who we used to trust and now we don’t. The boundaries make it possible to create a new relationship, a safer, happier, or healthier bond with that person, or maybe no relationship at all. It can be so hard to set these limits with ourselves and other people because of “survival mode”. Once you understand your own survival mode, you can start using strategies to set the limits that work for you.
The term “survival mode” is a neutral way to describe the stress response in the body and the brain when someone is triggered to the point of automatic responding. This type of response occurs more often in people who are experiencing trauma reactions to harsh things that happened to them. You might have heard of “fight or flight” to describe what animals will do when scared. Since we’re more complex than other animals, we have learned about a few different ways people show that same type of stress - “fight, flight, freeze, or appease”. Most people have various moments or patterns in their lives where they show one or more of these stress responses. When it comes to setting healthy boundaries in our lives, understanding our typical stress response or “survival mode” can be helpful to determine what kind of boundary needs to be set. Let’s review some examples.
When someone has difficulty saying “No” or setting healthy, balanced limits, this is often because someone has not been allowed to take care of themselves in a safe or effective way, sometimes learned in childhood; or saying “Yes” gives the person a sense of power in situations. All the stress responses can result in problems with boundaries when we can think clearly. Some of these ways are moving toward situations for conflict or engagement (fight), removing or running from situations (flight), staying stuck or powerless in situations (freeze), or keeping the peace and order in situations (appease). People who violate the boundaries of others are also responding from one of these stress responses, often trying to take care of a deep emotional wound. Most people are capable of all the different expressions of stress, and understanding our unique style can be helpful when trying to make adjustments to our boundaries.
In therapy, using symbols or visuals can help make a difficult concept clearer. With boundaries, we can use the image of locked doors, fences with gates, walls, barriers, and forts as tools of separation and limits; all necessary sometimes, all unique in their own way, capable of creating safety. Not all of them are pretty, and not everyone agrees with the way they are built or used. They are essential for safety and stability in the world. It’s okay to be sad and appreciate that the world would be so great if we didn’t need to lock doors all the time and could trust the good nature of everyone around us - at the same time, we can use locked doors to guard and protect people, places, and things we value. Maybe that’s the beauty of a boundary that’s like a castle wall with a strong gate; it can be strong and tall to keep out danger, with a sturdy entrance that allows things in and out when it’s safe enough. Ready for a hard opposite thing? There can also be too many boundaries! I know, what the heck does that mean? Walls that are too high or too thick to allow us to have meaningful connections or live the way we want to (shutting out the world and the people in it). People who are overly controlling over themselves and others are often responding to stress by trying to set boundaries that are mixed-up or too harsh for the situation. When people struggle to set and maintain healthy boundaries in their lives, it’s often because they don’t know they are allowed to do so, or they have a constant “YES attitude” to keep people around them happy and calm, otherwise called “people-pleasing” which can be a trauma response.
How do we start setting boundaries? What can they do to support our healing? By ”listening” or “attuning” to our emotions, we can identify where a boundary needs to be set, creating real safety and a sense of security. For example, getting angry is a natural part of life, but sometimes people don’t listen to their anger, and they suppress the emotion as a “negative” feeling. Sometimes that's okay, but if someone is mistreating us and we suppress our emotions, we might miss the signal “Get out!” or “I don’t like this; something needs to change!”, and the stress can build and build until something even worse happens to us. Not every angry moment means we need to make a change or set a boundary, but if we don’t pay attention to the feeling of anger, we might miss the signal that our mind and body are calling for us to act.
Healthy boundaries can start with the belief “I deserve to live well, feel safe, and protect what I value.” You deserve to set the boundaries that help you live your life more fully. So go on, stretch your skills and look for videos, books, articles, and conversations to build your own balanced, healthy boundaries!
By: Andrew Frosch, LSCSW
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